Recently, I was on a beautiful walk around my neighborhood. It was just warm enough to be out. Spring felt like it was poking its head around the corner. I was listening to an audiobook and all seemed right in the world. Then the author said something that made me stop in my tracks and made tears come to my eyes. She was at a crossroads in her life, and she discovered that she wasn't quite sure who she was. It was then that I realized that I did not know myself! All this time I have tried to be who I thought I was or who I wanted to be, but I had been running away from the real me. When I asked, "Well, who am I then?" I didn't know. I felt lost and sad, because at 33 years old, I did not know myself. I did not know what made me happy. I was not comfortable in my skin. I did not know my weaknesses or my strengths. I did not understand why I was always searching for greener grass, looking for something that would make me happier. I did not realize how much anxiety controlled me. Maybe I used to know myself, but somewhere along the road of having 3 children and selflessly giving myself to these little ones and my husband, I had lost me.
I have often thought of myself in connection with characters on TV. I thought I was like Ms. Honey on the movie Matilda. She is so kind and gentle and patient. But in truth, I might be closer to Ms. Trunchbowl! I am tough and stern, and, if I am being truthful, I might not like being around children. For a long time, I have wanted to be like Mrs. Duggar, the mother on 19 Kids and Counting. She is so kind and patient and is able to roll with the punches. I have tried to channel her goodness in my mothering. But when I looked at myself more closely, I realized that I am probably a mix between Amy Duncan, from Good Luck Charlie, and Carrie, off of King of Queens. Amy Duncan is so fun to watch but she definitely runs that house. She can be sweet but then she can be real scary! Carrie is also rough around the edges. She might hug you or beat you up. You never can tell. I think that these ladies are closer to who I am than sweet, patient Mrs. Duggar! I am a red head. I am fiery and feisty. I talk loud and move quickly. Most people would not describe me as gentle, soft, or quiet. So why am I trying so hard and failing to be someone I am not? Why not just be me?
So here I am, lost and I don't know myself. This led me on a journey of thought. What if I woke up tomorrow with amnesia? What if I forgot about everything in my life. I would have to start over and learn about me. I know I would quickly learn that I love watermelon, reading books, taking baths, and going for walks. But what else would I discover?
I am starting a journey, a journey of discovery. I want to learn what makes me happy. I want to heal my mental struggles. I want to rediscover love for my husband, my children, my chosen career as a homemaker. I want to attain better physical health. I want to better understand who I am as a daughter of God. I want to find Joni!
