Achievements

April 3, 2016

Lately I have been going to a class at the gym that teaches yoga, stretching, pilates, and tai chi.  I really enjoy it and feel that through this slow stretching I am releasing negative tension from my body.  Though I love everything we do in the class, my favorite is at the end.  The instructor has us all lie down on the mats and we relax and focus on our breathing.  She has a beautiful voice with a British accent.  Her voice is so soothing and helps me to become totally relaxed.  This is such a healing time and I always come away feeling like I have done something very good for my body and mind.  

This last week, as we were meditating, she asked us to not think about our failures.  She pointed out that we often only focus on our failures but we often don’t think about our achievements.  She asked us to stop and think for a minute about our achievements.  As my mind wandered to what my achievements are, I came to one conclusion.  My greatest achievement is that I haven’t quit.  I haven’t quit on my marriage.  I haven’t quit on my children.  And most importantly, I haven’t quit on the Lord.  With those achievements in mind, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  No matter how I am failing in this life, at least I haven’t given up yet!

My marriage is wonderful and a joy in my life.  I wouldn’t trade Jaron for anyone.  But as most marriages do, we have had our patchy spells.  There have been times where we haven’t always seen eye to eye or been able to connect with each other.  In a less dedicated marriage, either one of us could have said, “I have fallen out of love with my spouse.”  Not in our marriage.  We are committed to each other.  Our love is deep and it cements us together.  I am grateful that even during the harder times, I have not quit on marriage.  I know this marriage is worth fighting for.

I love my children with my whole heart but being a mother can be REALLY HARD.  Some days I dream of just walking away, not doing this anymore.  Sometimes I yell, “I quit on being a mother.”  Though the “yesterdays” may be extremely disastrous, I have alway woken up on the “todays” and tried again.  I keep trying with my children.  I make goals to not yell today, to give extra love today, to listen and use patience today.  I am not a perfect mother, far from it, but I haven’t given up on motherhood.  I just keep trying, and that is something.

Lastly, I haven’t quit on the Lord.  This is probably because He hasn’t quit on me.  There have been times in my life when I have felt some anger and bitterness towards the Lord’s plan for me.  I have wanted things to be different.  Particularly, when I have had miscarriages it has been hard not to blame God for this misfortune.  Though I have gone through my dark times and have sometimes distanced myself from the Lord, I have always made my way back to Him.  I have always stayed true to His gospel and I have tried to understand His will.  The beautiful thing is everytime I turn to Him, He is waiting with open arms to help me and bless me.  I am so grateful that I have not quit on the Lord because He is my greatest strength.  I could not do this without him.

Well, my accomplishments aren’t newsworthy.  I haven’t climbed Mt. Everest or swam the English Channel.  I haven’t won the Nobel Prize or received a PhD, but I have given this life my best.  I haven’t quit on my marriage, my children, and my God and to me, that is good enough!

The Vow

March 26, 2016

Recently Jaron took me on a wonderful cruise.  We spent 4 days with no kids, just the two of us.  We read books, ate good food, sat in the sun, and enjoyed being together.  We had such a wonderful time.  I spent a lot of time soaking up the sun and thinking about my life and about happiness.  On this cruise I truly felt at peace and I felt very much in love with Jaron.

Though this was Jaron’s first cruise,  I have been on a couple of cruises before this one.  There is something that all cruises have in common.  They have a tv in each room but there isn’t much to watch.  Usually they have one movie that is played over and over throughout the day.  After it gets over, they restart it over again.  Depending on when you are in your room, you see different parts of the movie.  I remember on a caribbean cruise I went on when I was 14, they were playing Shawshank Redemption.  I am sure I saw the whole movie, but only in 10 to 15 minute segments and definitely not in chronological order.  I love that movie.  My favorite quote is, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”  

On this cruise with Jaron, the movie The Vow was played over and over on the TV.  I have seen this movie before, but it was a good one, so I was happy to watch it again.  This movie starts with two people falling in love.  The girl is an artist and the boy is a music producer.  They are in love and they get married.  Then they get in a terrible car accident.  Though they survive, the girl has lost the last 5 years of her memory.  All she can remember is that she is engaged to this rich guy and is going to law school.  She can't remember breaking off the engagement. She can’t remember meeting, falling in love, and marrying her husband.  She can’t remember quitting law school and becoming an artist.  She is very conflicted between the person she thinks she is and the person people say she has become.  To find her bearings, she moves back home with her parents and picks up life where she left off five years before.  Through a series of events, she realizes why she broke off the engagement with her ex-fiance.  She didn’t love him or his lifestyle.   She goes back to law school, but she finds herself being drawn to art.  In the end, she quits law school, becomes an artist, and falls in love with her husband again.  It is a cute love story and very touching, but I think that there is a greater message in this movie.  

Being engaged to a rich, proper, snobbish man and going to law school was not this girl’s true self.  She was an artist.  She loved a real man.  She had discovered that the first time for herself.  And even though her self-discovering experiences were erased, she was able to find herself again.  Why?  She was an artist, not a lawyer.  She truly loved a good, honest, simple, kind man.  Her true self came out again, even after she had lost herself.

It makes me wonder.  If my memories were erased, if I was taken to a different time in my life, would I find my way here again?  Is who I am right now the real me?  Or am I on my first journey to find myself?   Have I found the real me yet?  Is there something out there, pulling me toward it, like art did for the girl in the movie?  I think if I lost my memories,  I would always find my way back to my religious beliefs.  I know there is a God and that He loves me and watches out for me.  That truth would ring true to me, even if I had lost it.   I know I would find my way to Jaron.  I love that man.  As time goes on, I realize what a treasure of gold he is.  I know I would find my way to my children.  My love for them is too deep, too much a part of me.  But I wonder if I would discover other likes and dislikes, maybe ones I don’t even know right now.  What would be different about me if I lived my life again?  What would resurface as being a part of the real me?   Definitely makes me wonder….

Who Am I?

Recently, I was on a beautiful walk around my neighborhood.  It was just warm enough to be out.  Spring felt like it was poking its head around the corner.  I was listening to an audiobook and all seemed right in the world. Then the author said something that made me stop in my tracks and made tears come to my eyes.  She was at a crossroads in her life, and she discovered that she wasn't quite sure who she was.  It was then that I realized that I did not know myself!  All this time I have tried to be who I thought I was or who I wanted to be, but I had been running away from the real me.  When I asked, "Well, who am I then?"  I didn't know.  I felt lost and sad, because at 33 years old, I did not know myself.   I did not know what made me happy.  I was not comfortable in my skin.  I did not know my weaknesses or my strengths.  I did not understand why I was always searching for greener grass, looking for something that would make me happier.  I did not realize how much anxiety controlled me.  Maybe I used to know myself, but somewhere along the road of having 3 children and selflessly giving myself to these little ones and my husband, I had lost me.
I have often thought of myself in connection with characters on TV.  I thought I was like Ms. Honey on the movie Matilda.  She is so kind and gentle and patient.  But in truth, I might be closer to Ms. Trunchbowl!  I am tough and stern, and, if I am being truthful, I might not like being around children.  For a long time, I have wanted to be like Mrs. Duggar, the mother on 19 Kids and Counting.  She is so kind and patient and is able to roll with the punches.  I have tried to channel her goodness in my mothering.  But when I looked at myself more closely, I realized that I am probably a mix between Amy Duncan, from Good Luck Charlie, and Carrie, off of King of Queens.  Amy Duncan is so fun to watch but she definitely runs that house.  She can be sweet but then she can be real scary!  Carrie is also rough around the edges.  She might hug you or beat you up.  You never can tell.  I think that these ladies are closer to who I am than sweet, patient Mrs. Duggar!  I am a red head.  I am fiery and feisty.  I talk loud and move quickly.  Most people would not describe me as gentle, soft, or quiet.  So why am I trying so hard and failing to be someone I am not?  Why not just be me?
So here I am, lost and I don't know myself.  This led me on a journey of thought.  What if I woke up tomorrow with amnesia?  What if I forgot about everything in my life.  I would have to start over and learn about me.  I know I would quickly learn that I love watermelon, reading books, taking baths, and going for walks.  But what else would I discover?
I am starting a journey, a journey of discovery.  I want to learn what makes me happy.  I want to heal my mental struggles.  I want to rediscover love for my husband, my children, my chosen career as a homemaker.  I want to attain better physical health.  I want to better understand who I am as a daughter of God.  I want to find Joni!